I'm still here

I know I look like the typical aspiring blogger. Write two posts then vanish. But I promise I didn't mean to be. I've had an insane summer (not in the good way) and have been trying to to just get through each day.

I found out I am pregnant again shortly after my last post. It threw me for a loop and I've had a ton of life crap to deal with too. However, I'm back. I need to write to get my feelings out. I have been keeping them bottled up which is not helping. I'm stressing like crazy and proving once again that I am a champion emotional eater.

While I stick by my stance that I will never be a size 2 I also don't need to keep going up in size because I'm stressed. I need to be healthy which I am not lately.

So, I'm back and I hope to stay. I want to talk about my daily struggles and things I see online about weight. Stories that may bug me, some that may inspire and maybe even some that make me laugh.

What I will never be

I decided today that I will never be anyone's version of what I "should be". I'm never going to be as thin as is acceptable. I don't want to be if that means I have to be hungry all the time. Don't try to tell me you aren't unless you are one of those born skinny people like my best friend and her sisters. (Who I dearly love) I don't want a life without lemon pie, chocolate, pasta, bread, bacon, sausage and other things that people forbid themselves to eat in order to be skinny.

I'm not a pig, I don't eat those things daily (ok, maybe the bread) but I do love them and am not willing to give them up. I do want to be healthier than I am but I'm not going to try to be someone else's version of perfect.

I'm bigger than is healthy and I know this. I know I need to lose weight and stop stress eating, which is one reason I started this blog. I need to vent my feeling and yell about how much something hurts or how much I hate being fat today.

However, I believe that God created us with tastes buds and a love for food because He loves us and intended eating to be pleasurable. I don't want to go through life simply enjoying bread by smell (I saw a news story once about a guy who lost tons of weight and only smells bread) or in dreams like Kiki in America's Sweethearts.  Seriously underrated movie by the way. I need and want to find a happy medium and happily fit into a medium, or large.

I was not born to be a size 2, neither was I born to be the size 22-24 that I am now. Give me a 12-14 and I'll be ecstatic. Heck I'd be over the moon about a 16-18 right now.

What you need to know about me

Hi, you don't know me even though you probably think you do. You have seen me eating and wondered why I don't just stop. You assumed that I was eating that salad you saw in front me just because I was in public and therefore wanted to look good and you laughed inside. You sent my picture to a blog that makes fun of fat people and thought I wouldn't see, but I did and I cried. You have seen me shopping and wondered why I had the audacity to be looking at clothes that you think I shouldn't wear. You think you know why I'm overweight and you think you have my solution. But you don't.

First off, if you see me eating something its because I like it. I don't eat something I hate just to please you so yes, I liked that salad. And contrary to popular belief fat people have to eat too. We can't just stop eating and then resume once we are an acceptable weight. If we could we probably would.

Second, I don't dress for you and I never will. I dress for my husband and myself. I will wear that dress even if you think it will make you sick to see me in it. I don't give a rat's ass what you think of my clothes.

Third, my weight does not give you a free pass to make fun of me. It does not make me stupid or turn off my ability to feel. I see every time you make a face at me, laugh at me, or make that disgusted look or sound when I order a cookie. I see it all. I still have feelings, as big as if not bigger than yours. You have imperfections too that I am too kind to point out but trust me I see them and catalog them for if I ever need ammo to shoot back at you.

Now that I have answered the most common unasked questions about fat people I'm going to tell you some things that you probably never thought about. I love. I have a husband and a family that I adore. My husband loves me back. I hurt. Every time someone laughs at me it hurts and makes me stress eat. I laugh. I cry. I like food. And not just in the sick perverted way you think I do. I have spent more time reading about, thinking about and planning healthy meals than you ever have.

I know what healthy food is. I know what unhealthy food is. I know better than you do what food is helpful and what food is harmful. Did you know that there is stuff in most fast food that is addictive? That even though they don't admit it they put it in there to lure you back? Did you know that there are common additives in processed foods that are actually neurotoxins? I bet you didn't but I do and I refuse to eat those things. Oh, and that wasn't me you saw at McDonald's last week. I refuse to eat there.

So, you see. I am not your stereotypical fat chick. I don't gorge myself at McD's or Taco Bell. They make me sick, both figuratively and quite literally. I rarely have junk food in my house and when I do its homemade 90% of the time.

So what makes me fat? Why am I this way? I'll tell you about that later. For now I just want you to rethink how you feel about people like me. We are people even if we are bigger than you are. We have lives, happy ones. We even have healthy, happy sex lives.

My goal with this blog is to have a small impact on how you view me and my soul sisters and brothers. I also intend to use this place as an outlet for my feelings. The ones that I bottle up and stuff away with food. And maybe I can shatter a few stereotypes along the way.